Stop! Before proceeding, you might want to read the Declaration of Independence.

IN COMMITTEE, September 18th, 2016

When in the course of personhood happenstances, it becomes expedient for one people to dissolve the socio-political bands which have connected them with one socio-economic group, and to assume among the oligarchs of the earth, the separate but unequal station to which the environment and of one’s chosen higher power entitle them, not disrespecting the opinion polls of certain under-represented groups, requires that they should be perfectly clear about what the irreconcilable differences are which cause them to need some “me time.”

We hold these opinions to be kind of obvious, that all people must be made to be equal, that they are endowed by their rulers with certain alien rights, that among these are life insurance (Liberty Mutual) and the pursuit of handouts. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among peoples, deriving their powers from the consent of the media, That whenever any candidate becomes destructive of its ends, it is the Right of the Government to alter or to abolish said candidate, and to institute acceptable candidates, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their re-election and maintenance of power. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for any reason whatsoever; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that people are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by voting out incumbents. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object (but with no legal evidence of) a design to reduce the people under absolute Despotism, it is the right, it is the duty, of such Government to provide new Guards for the government’s future security. The government has been patiently suffering the people; and such is now the necessity which constrains it to alter people’s former belief system. The history of the present rulers is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over the people. To prove this, let’s do a survey.

In every stage of these Oppressions a small minority of right-wing nut jobs have Petitioned for a red dress in the most humble terms: These repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated pant suits. A candidate whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is perfectly fit to be the ruler of foolish people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to establish their own monetary system. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our immigration and resettlement policies. We have appealed to their outdated concepts of justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured up some hackers from our common enemies to disallow these autonomous actions, which would inevitably interrupt our banking system and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of social justice and of open borders. We must, therefore, give in to the necessity, at the end of the day, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, in contempt.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the World Order, in the Hague, appealing to the World Court for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the non-deplorable people of these States, solemnly publish and declare, That the coastal United States are, and of right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the Fly-over States, and that all political connection between them and said fly-over States, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do, without getting permission from the Congress. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Providence, Rhode Island, we mutually pledge to each other your Lives, your Fortunes and our power.

*satire alert!

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